A cowboy's guide to life: Don't name a pig you plan to eat. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. Meanness don't happen overnight. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow. Don't corner something meaner than you. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. You can't unsay a cruel thing. Every path has some puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens. Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters. Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't judge people by their relatives. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. Talk slowly, think quickly. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. It's better to be a has-been that a never-was. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. Only cows know why they stampede. Always drink upstream from the herd. Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a jawin'. Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket. You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'til they get thumped. Never miss a good chance to shut up. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?