BREAKING NEWS: U.S. Fish and Wildlife announced today that the waterfowl season in Southeast Missouri and Northeast Arkansas will be closed for 2019/20. Wildlife biologist have hypothesized that the waterfowl population must be near extinction because of the lack of ducks killed by hunters in the 2018/19 season. Waterfowlers have been voicing their concerns across social media for the lack of duck’s and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife have taken notice of these cries of desperation. Stock markets immediately reacted by closing 1000 points down after the news caused concern that businesses like Avian X, Banded Gear, Rogers Sporting Goods and Mack’s Prairie Wings face bankruptcy. On the upside, Bass Pros stocks were up 50% on the expectations that more fishing gear will be sold. Analysts predict however that the market will recover as money shifts into the health care industry, legal services and banking. Banks anticipate large amounts of funds to be distributed into checking and savings accounts. Hospitals have begun to prepare for the 60% increase in births with young couples by the end of 2020 as young men will be staying home more frequently. Additionally, psychiatric care specialists have had a 200% increase in calls since the announcement. In unexpected news, the luxury car and yacht industry have had a 500% increase in orders as attorneys have been feverishly submitting orders. Divorces are expected to increase 1000% in older couples as retired men will also be staying home more. US Fish and Wildlife has indicated that future seasons will be considered when a duck is killed outside of Canada or South Dakota.